


Dreams of James

by Evanko



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Biting, Established Relationship, M/M, Masturbation, Rough Sex, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-07 21:48:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4279128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evanko/pseuds/Evanko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Buck, please. I need you- NO! BUCKY!” </p>
<p>Steve woke up in a cold sweat, his arm still reaching out. It was the same dream he’d been having for days. He was searching in the mountains for Bucky, mountains just like where he had fallen and then he felt a presence behind him. He would turn and see that face; the one that made his heart beat too, that face that used to split his face into a cheek-aching grin at night as they rode the rides at Coney Island.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Frustration

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first posted fanfiction for these two so be gentle and enjoy. Also this will be a slow build. First chapter is rated M and the rest of the story will be rated E.

“Buck, please. I need you- NO! BUCKY!”

Steve woke up in a cold sweat, his arm still reaching out. It was the same dream he’d been having for days. He was searching in the mountains for Bucky, mountains just like where he had fallen and then he felt a presence behind him. He would turn and see that face; the one that made his heart beat too, that face that used to split his face into a cheek-aching grin at night as they rode the rides at Coney Island.

Steve shook his head to clear it of the painful dream and got up from bed. He went to bathroom and splashed icy water on his sweaty face. He felt like punching the mirror, not that it had done anything to him personally; he just felt frustration boil up in him. How many months had he spent looking for him, how many days had he chased the vague leads? How many times had he thought he’d seen that brown hair in the corner of his eye? Those months weren’t over, they would never be he promised himself, not till he found him.

Paranoia, it had become Steve’s new best friend, but it wasn’t the bad kind. It was merely him believing or imagining that Bucky was _there._ It always felt like if Steve turned around then he’d be standing there, shoulders slightly bowed, eyes wary, but still so blue.

The eyes Steve had fallen in love with decades ago. He wanted to scream with how much he missed him. How much he would give to have his friend back in his arms. It didn’t matter if Bucky wasn’t the same Bucky from years ago, who would be the same after Hydra. Steve just wanted him back. Selfish really, but he felt as if he had no control over his desires. It went deeper than just the physical. He wanted to feel the slide of hands over his back and the press of lips against his neck, but he also wanted that presence beside him as he read his favorite book or when he was cooking to talk not to himself but to another human, a human who could understand him and all his quirks and faults. Bucky always expected the right things from him. He expected him to take care of himself and those he cared and loved for. He expected Steve to stay pure and kind even though the world could be so hellish. He didn’t expect Steve to do the impossible though, not like everyone did. He was expected to be Captain America, super soldier, icon of the United States of America, perfect fighter all the time, by everyone else.

-

“Ah Bucky, please.” Steve panted out into the dark room as his hand moved over his hard member, fingers moving over the head and back down. He shook as his release overtook him for the second time that night and he looked towards the window. He almost expected Bucky to be sitting out on the fire escape looking back at him, but he wasn’t, he never was.

Hot tears ran from the corners of his eyes and he felt like screaming. He knew if he did Sharon would come knocking at his door, she would be mildly concerned but she would have that look of pity in her eyes too and Steve couldn’t take that right now.

“Sh, sh, sh. It’s okay, I’m right here baby.” Bucky said in otherwise quiet room. Steve could feel fingers, cold and warm, run over his face and wipe the tears away. It only made him cry harder because he knew it was merely his mind making it up and it was doing a great job too. He could hear Bucky’s breath and he could feel his heartbeat. He felt childish for crying, but it felt good. It seemed cliché to him, but it felt good to just let it all out.

Steve lay in bed for another few minutes before he saw the bright sun shine through his windows. He hadn’t slept much but it would have to do. He sat up and swung his feet to the cold floor, yet another day had started.

 

 


	2. Memories

“Fuck, Bucky, ahh- harder!” Steve moaned out. Buck snapped his hips harder and groaned at the heat of Steve’s body. Bucky had always loved how Steve had looked, when he was small enough for Bucky to pick up and lay on the bed before he would royally fuck him and when he was bigger, too big to completely wrap him in Bucky’s arms.

“Fuck Stevie, baby. You feel so good.” Bucky said quietly as he rocked his hips. He had always loved Steve, small or big, but he loved that now he didn’t have to worry about hurting him. That he wouldn’t have to hold back-.

“Am I boring you Rogers?” Natasha asked while raising and eyebrow.

“What, no, of course not.” Steve replied and she hadn’t been. Steve had just been caught up in his thoughts. He could still remember where he had been sitting when Bucky had come up to him and told him how one of the best parts of Steve being stronger wasn’t that he could save the world but that he could be fucked, hard.

“I’m sorry Nat. It just seems like I can’t get out of my head today. I keep thinking about him and how I need to find him.” Steve said as he messed with his Styrofoam coffee cup.

“I’ve told you this once Steve and I’m going to repeat it. If James doesn’t want to be found, you aren’t going to find him. I’ve been doing some research he’s as good as me, if not better. People like aren’t found, they are seen when they want and that’s it.”

Steve sighed, “I know, I know.” He Shrugged. “What am I supposed to do though, wait for eternity and hope that he remembers me and that I care for him-?”

“Care for him, really? You _care_ for him. Every time you say his name little hearts float around your head and you get this dreamy lover boy look on your face. I’d say you do more the care for him.” Natasha said as Steve opened and closed his mouth, trying to find a way to defend himself. In the end though he knew it was obvious, how he cared for Bucky. How could someone not? Bucky was everything to him, with his quick smile, charm, and how he never gave up on Steve. “Look Steve, you may find him but things aren’t going to be happily ever after, remember that.” Natasha got a soft look in her eyes. “You’re like a brother to me and I know that you’re determined to find this man you love, but be careful.” And with that she stood, and leaned down tot peck Steve on the cheek and walked away.

Steve was left to think on what she had to say. He knew it would be hard and possibly dangerous to find Bucky, but he knew that it would be worth it. He couldn’t just give up on him. They were in it till the end of the line. No matter how long and painful that line was. 

Steve stood up after a few minutes of thinking and drinking some mediocre coffee and started to walk towards his apartment. On his way there though he saw it, that glint, the one he had seen right before he had fallen into the water. He whipped his head around and broke into a sprint as he saw that brown hair, hidden behind a baseball cap and a hoodie. He ran and ran, never running out of breath and the figure ahead of him never seemed to either as they did an elaborate dance of twisting through the streets and over fences and through alleys. Eventually though the figure in front of him took one too many turns too fast and Steve lost it. He slowed and almost screamed, but he knew that it would be in vain. Why did he keep running? Why wouldn’t he just stop and face Steve? Steve stopped the questions that ran through his head and looked around him. He was actually fairly close to his neighborhood and so he turned with one more glance towards where he had lost the figure and started home again.

 


	3. Weights

The music blasted and Steve worked his body to the beat. Lifting more weight than most men could dream of. He kept going for long minutes trying to get him out of his mind. He tried to think about anything else, but his mind seemed to always be centered on Bucky these days. He punched, kicked and just let it all out in one the only ways he knew how. Sam had been with him earlier but after a good few hours he had given up and had left with a reassuring pat on the shoulder and “I’m always here if you need to talk.” Which coming from anyone else would have seemed fake, but from Sam, Steve knew he meant it.

After a few more hours, a stinging sensation started to form on Steve’s hands and he looked down at his knuckles, the skin was torn, rugged and bleeding, but scabs were already starting to form, soon it would be as if Steve had never been beating away at the punching bag for hours.

 _Should have wrapped my hands better._ Steve thought to himself. _Should have done a lot of things-, no stop._ Steve had been struggling with not just the pain of losing his friend in more than one way but with regret. If he had only gone to look for Bucky and not just kept going on that mission. But he knew that regret would get him nowhere so he tried his best to control it. 

The playlist he’d been listening to started up again and Steve got lost instead of in regret but of imagining if Bucky were with him right then. How his muscles would flex as he’d lift a weight. Would he keep his shirt on or take it off? He was always a bit vain and he knew he was handsome. Steve could see it how the sweat would drip off Bucky and that little smile he'd give Steve when he caught him staring. 

A pang of sadness went through Steve as he opened eyes he hadn’t realized had closed. Would he ever get to see that smile?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve is listening to Eventually by Tame Impala as he works out, weird but he's working his way through the sixties and this song reminded him of that time period.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve sat at his kitchen table drawing. He drew the plains of a face that had he'd drawn hundreds of times before. He wondered if he could call Bucky an obsession because it was feeling like every facet of his life had to do with Bucky in some way. Everything from his morning routine to his runs. He looked at the time, five in the morning, he hadn't gone to sleep. He sighed and calmly closed his sketchpad, even though he felt like ripping it to pieces. 

Steve stripped in his room and changed into his running gear. Running had become a social and humorous part of his day. He loved spending time with Sam even if he would always outrun him several times. Same was always laughing about it and never became bitter. That's probably a part of why Steve liked Sam so much. He was loyal, courageous, and above all else patient. Steve hadn't expected it, but Sam had become one of his closest friends. 

They took their usual route and they laughed like usual as Steve passed Sam, always on his left. Steve felt like there was something off the whole time though, not with Sam, but with the atmosphere. _Am I just being paranoid?_ Steve wondered to himself, but them again he had every reason to be cautious. Hydra was still very real and although it no longer was a major threat, new ones always seemed to pop up in Steve's life.

"Nat told be to keep an Eye on you." Sam said as they cooled down. Steve's eyebrows furrowed. "Something happened, didn't it?" Same asked in his quiet yet caring way. Whenever he asked, Steve didn't feel like he was prying, because he knew Same was only asking to try to help and with the best of intentions. 

"I think Bucky is back." Steve said while looking around them, definitely, if only slightly, paranoid. An expression of surprise overtook Sam's face. 

"You think...or you know?"

"I'm not sure it was him, but whoever I was running after didn't get tired like a normal person would. Who else would have that stamina and speed?" Sam shrugged and remained quiet. Steve waited as Sam thought. Sam always had the best advice and surprisingly so did Tony too. 

"How close were you to Sergeant Barnes?" Sam asked quietly. He could sense that he was on a touchy subject. Steve looked down and opened his mouth, then closed it. "I see." Sam said, it was amazing how he could tell what Steve meant even when Steve couldn't put it into words. "Look I know it's not my place, but I'm going to give you the usual message, be careful and I mean it. You don't know how much Barnes remembers and whether or not he's still under Hydra's control." 

Steve was glad that Sam hadn't placed the fault on Bucky, but instead put it on the people who deserved to be blamed. "Thanks Sam, for everything." Steve said before checking the time. "I have to go, I've got an art class to teach in an hour. I'll catch you later."

Sam waved and threw a goodbye over his shoulder. "See ya, Rodgers."

 


	5. Chapter 5

Steve had a secret talent. One most people didn't know about. He could sing, like really, truly sing. He was singing now to an old, well new to him, hit of the eighties. He had an excellent sound system installed once he'd moved into his apartment. It was one of his favorite things to do, other than drawing. He let the beat move through him and he felt high off it. Whatever music he had playing, it influenced his mood, made him exhausted, blue, or excited. The music continued to play as he cleaned up his apartment, even Captain America could be a slob.

A memory floated into Steve's mind as the song changed to a popular song from his time, a time before the war, before Bucky had died, then returned. He softly sang along to it and if he closed his eyes he could hear a second voice, one that was almost as deep as his, singing in the perfect key along with him. They sang and sang, sometimes till they lost their voices.

They used to sing together and dance, even though Steve couldn't dance. They trip over each other and Bucky would make a big deal about it every time Steve would step on his foot, but Bucky would still smile through the pain. It was worth it to him, to be close to Steve and feel his heartbeat through his shirt as they stood close and swayed to the music playing.

Steve shook his head to clear the memories from his mind and decided it would be a good idea to go for a walk. He did need milk after all, maybe he'd stop by the grocer down the street.

As he walked he passed a girl with a dog and he wondered if he should think about getting a pet. _No, not with my lifestyle. What would I do when I leaved for a mission across the country?_ So, no to a pet, for now.

He bought his milk and a few other things to get him through the week then returned home and turned back on the music. It seemed like days could pass like this. Days spent in slight productivity, but no real passion, no love.

How Steve longed for his heartbeat to rise and his cheeks to fill with blood. How he wished he would get nervous and would become jittery with excitement. To smile just thinking about someone. But he knew the truth, the only person who did that to him was Bucky. A full circle, back to Bucky. Steve sighed at his never ending predicament. Would it ever end?


	6. Shadows

Steve moved in his own unique style, throwing his shield in a precise arch and knocking out another Hydra agent. He ran towards the doors but before he could a shadow moved out in front of him and a solid punch was administered to Steve's sternum. The force of the punch shoved him backwards and to the ground. A foot planted itself on his chest and a masked face appeared above Steve.  
  
 _Rodger's you okay?_ Natasha asked over the com. Steve couldn't reply.  
  
The face was covered almost completely but the color of the hair was so similar. It was him, Steve knew it. The armor the figure was wearing was slightly different from Bucky's attire back on the helicarrier, but the way the shoulders filled out the outfit was the same. Natasha and Sam waited for Steve answer, but he was too focused on the person before him.  
  
"Bucky?" Steve asked when his breath returned to him.  The foot stayed on his chest for a while longer and Steve stayed silent when he didn't get a reply. Then suddenly the foot was gone and Steve was being pulled up from the cold ground by his collar.   
  
"Who was he to you?" The figure asked with a muffled voice.   
  
"He was my friend, my partner." Steve replied. It was silent for a few moments.   
  
"What happened to him?"   
  
"He fell off a moving train, I thought he had died, but he hadn't. I don't think he remembers his past though." Steve said quietly. The figure's arm, the one that wasn't still holding Steve's collar moved and removed the mask. 

It was Bucky, but he was covered in blood and black war paint. His eyes were brilliant blue, but they were bleary and kept going in and out of focus. Then he was falling to his knees and Steve moved to catch him.

"Natasha, Sam, contact Stark and Banner, we're going to need their help." Steve said in a concerned voice. He gently picked up Bucky and he realized that Bucky was unconscious.

 


	7. Medical

Steve stood on Bucky's right side and looked down at his friend, who lay on a medical bay bed. The heart monitor was steadily beeping and Steve watched Bucky's chest rise and fall. He was worried sick even though the doctors assured him Bucky would wake up when he was ready. Bucky had been malnourished, exhausted and had an infection from a wound in his side. 

"He'll wake up Rogers, just give him time." Natasha said quietly. She handed Steve a cup of coffee and moved him so that he was sitting down, he couldn't remember how long he had been standing for. Bucky moved in his sleep and Steve shot up from his chair. "Relax, people move in their sleep, it's normal." Natasha teased. 

It made Steve smile and relax a little. 

Days passed and Bucky remained asleep. "His body is repairing itself, no one knows how long he had been in the state that he was when you brought him in. He needs time and sleep is sometimes the best medication for someone." Banner said in his calm way to Steve on the fifth day of having Bucky back. 

On the sixth day Bucky began to wake up, but only for a few minutes before he would drift off again. Steve stayed by his side nearly the whole time. By the end of the eight day Bucky was awake for more than a few moments, but he wouldn't reply to any of the questions he was asked by the doctors, he would only stare at Steve and study him. Steve would stare back and stay quiet. He knew that it may take some time before Bucky would talk to him or to anyone. He was willing to wait though, no matter how long it took.


	8. Rehab

Waiting and watching seemed to be Steve's only actions now. He would wait and Bucky would wait and as they sat in silence they would study each other, each with blank expressions, but a hundred unspoken words in their eyes.

Bucky was back, but not truly. He didn't tease Steve or smile like he used to and Steve knew that it was expecting too much, but he couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

Weeks passed this way. Bucky not talking, but breathing and alive in the Avengers tower. Steve having his heart broken constantly as he realized the extent of what his friend had gone through. Bucky wouldn't talk unless he had a question and most were about Steve and their past, then he would nod or go quiet as Steve answered.

A few things did become habit though. Bucky would sit in the farthest corner to the right so that he could see all the windows and exits, but still be able to watch Steve and the television. Right after a program would end Bucky would normally have some questions that he'd ask Steve and Steve would then start to talk about their past, the Howling Commandos and Peggy.

"Why didn't you ever take that Peggy, girl out?" Bucky asked one night. Steve was silent for a while. He debated on how much he should tell Bucky about their relationship, not wanting to make him feel like he was obligated to do something with it. 

"Because I had you." Steve said while looking at the floor. He didn't want to look up and see Bucky's reaction.

"I remember touch." Steve looked up. "I remember running my hands through your hair as you drew. It in pieces and the memories come and go, but I remember that." Bucky's eye locked with Steve's. For the first time Bucky got up and sat next to Steve, even if he knew his back would be open to attack. "Tell me everything, from the time we met to the time I nearly killed you on that helicarrier." Bucky told Steve softly and so Steve did. He started with the day a strong hand had picked him off the ground to the time those same hands beat the will out of him. 

Bucky listened the whole time and about half way through he started to run his hands through Steve's hair. That was also a first, the first time Bucky had voluntarily touched Steve.

When Steve finished it was into the early morning and Bucky had stopped moving his fingers through Steve's hair and had instead laid his head down on Steve's shoulder. Steve was frozen, there weren't any handbooks for when your lover and best friend come back from the dead after being brainwashed for nearly seventy years. Then he realized he should just relax and enjoy that fact that Bucky was allowing him to protect him. 


	9. Love

Things were going fine or as fine as they could be with an unstable, brainwashed, paranoid, super soldier. Again things were fine, till now. Steve was angry and it took nearly everything in him to get truly angry, but he was angry and it was over the stupidest and most fixable thing ever...hair. There was hair in the drain and it had clogged the drain in the shower. He didn't know why it bothered him so much, at least not until he had yelled at Bucky for a few good minutes and gotten everything out of his system. Things had gone along like this.

"Bucky!" Steve yelled from down the hall. Bucky was sitting reading a book in his favorite spot. He rose slowly and tried to not roll his eyes. Steve was using his Captain America voice and it never failed to make Bucky sigh. He walked down the hall and stopped when he was outside the bathroom door. "Buck, how many times have I asked you to not clog the drain with your hair?" Steve asked in his commanding voice, Bucky wasn't fazed. 

Bucky shrugged and replied in a bored voice, "I don't know, maybe a few short of a thousand."

Steve wasn't amused. "I don't have the patience for your sass, James Barnes." Steve said in response. His face was getting to be a pretty shade of red.

"Geez, I'll remember next time if that makes you happy." Bucky said before turning to get back to his book.

"Bucky!" Bucky turned and looked Steve in the eyes and that's when Steve snapped. "How come you never care about anything I say? Why can't you just do this one simple thing that I asked? Why, what is so hard about cleaning up your damn hair so that it doesn't clog the fucking drain every time?" Steve continued for a few more minutes till he calmed down enough to look at Bucky's face. 

His head was slightly bowed and his long hair shadowed his face, but it was plain as day. Steven Grant Rogers had made his best friend cry and it felt awful.

"Shit, Bucky, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode like that. I just get frustrated and I blew up because I feel like you don't care and that I'm useless and that things aren't getting better between us and..." Steve cut himself off and reached out towards Bucky. Bucky flinched, just like he used to at the beginning when he was let out of the medical bay and Steve would try to comfort him.

Steve felt crushed and like shit. How could he have been so cruel to Bucky? He saw more than anyone else how hard Bucky was trying, trying to act normal, trying to make it seem like he didn't get sacred at the sounds of fireworks or sirens. Steve reached out again and ignored that Bucky shrank back when Steve wrapped his arms around his best friend. 

"I'm sorry Buck. I didn't mean what I said, this isn't an excuse but I'm so stressed and so worried about you." Steve didn't ask to be forgiven. He knew he didn't really deserve it after what he'd said and how he'd made Bucky feel. Steve held Bucky in the hallway until the shaking of Bucky's shoulders stopped and all that could be heard were tiny sniffs. Steve was pleasantly surprised when he felt Bucky wrap his arms around his torso.

"I'll clean my hair out of the shower from now on." Bucky said quietly and then he pulled back and smiled at Steve and Steve's heart faltered. This was really the first smile that Steve had seen in months on Bucky's face. "I know that you just needed to get that out of your system and I know that I'm a disappointment." Steve gasped, he couldn't believe that Bucky would actually believe that about himself.

"You're are not and will never be a disappointment to me Buck, never." Steve said and brought Bucky back into his arms.

"Steve let me finish, I know that I have a lot of improving to do and it's okay to get mad at me sometimes. I'm working on it, but I know I'll ignore things like this, I just have trouble caring sometimes. I was talking to Banner and I guess I have what you call depression, but I'm working with it. I didn't outright tell you because I think I've got it under control and I didn't want to worry you." Bucky trailed off. This was the most he'd talked in a while.

Steve smiled and it just felt right to do, but before his lips really touched Bucky's he stopped. "Is this okay?" He asked. Bucky nodded. His eyes were wide, but his cheeks were tinged a beautiful shade of pink. 

That's when Steve truly kissed Bucky, for the first time in seven decades.

 


End file.
